{ hardest thing }

[ what's the hardest thing you've ever experienced? ]

hmm. the hardest thing?? it would probably have to be going through our whole engagement phase right before we got married. i'm not going to bother going into detail to help save time and energy for all those [ nosy ] people out there because those who [ really ] know me already know why this time was so hard for me and what [ really ] happened.

engagements...weddings...are suppose to be the happiest times for couples. but for me it was one of the hardest things i've experienced. not saying that i didn't have a lot of good times with my husband (or then, soon-to-be-husband) but there was just a whole lotta buuuull crap and drama inbetween. lol so much that things got called off the first time around. i ended up leaving to stay in New Zealand for a while to stay with fam and figure out what i really wanted -without having to listen to people constantly talking in my ear and giving me their opinion. what ever decision i was about to make was going to be the biggest (and most important) one of my life...or should i say eternity so i wanted to make sure that whatever decision i made was going to be [ mine ]...and it was going to be the [ right ] one.

long story short -despite all the nonesense and drama, the answer always remained the same. [ HE ] was still the one for me. we focused on the eternal perspective and tied the knot on September 27, 2008. even up until our wedding day the situation was not 'ideal'. it was never going to be ideal. there was never going to be that perfect time. there was no way everyone was going to be happy. the idea of my perfect, dream wedding was thrown out the window. it came down to either [ we do it ] or [ we don't ]....and [ we did ]. on my actual wedding day the only two happy moments i remember were kneeling across the altar in the temple to be sealed for time and eternity to my eternal companion.......and that night when it was just us and we were on our way to our honeymoon. everything else inbwtween those two times of that day are literally a blur to me! there were a lot of things i hated about that day. i hated my dress. i hated the photographer. i hated walking into our reception together. i hated that i had no line. i hated that i didn't dance on my own wedding day. ok, there's a lot more things 'i hated' and if i could go back there's a lot of things i would have changed if i knew what i know now but...

[ there really is no use in looking back on the things you can't change ]

 and for a while this was something that was hard for me to deal with. every wedding we went to (after our own) i always left crying and my mind filled with thoughts like...

 "their wedding was so beautiful!"

"everything turned out perfect and her dress is just gorgeous!"

"how come everything came together for their big day so easily?"

"why couldn't we have this?"

"i wish i got to pick out bridesmaid dresses."

"we did everything the right way so how come our wedding day had to be such a disaster?!"
"blahh, blah, balahhhh"

then one night Saf and i were driving home after leaving a wedding reception. we were talking about the wedding and how beautiful it was..what we liked and didn't like..ect. silently i started to cry. i guess i was just feeling a bit sorry myself and wishing i had this or that on 'our day'. my husband saw me crying and asked what was wrong. then came the 'ugly sobs' that i was trying to hold back. lol i told him how i wished our wedding day turned out differently...how i wished we had certain things on our day...and how i didn't understand why we had to go through all of that and other couples didn't. basically, life wasn't fair. ha!

then i''ll [ NEVER ] forget my husband's response...

after listening to me cry he held my hand, turned to look at me, and said in the most calmest, reassuring voice,

"you know what babe, i had the wedding of my dreams because i married you in the temple for eternity...and that's good enough for me."

right then i knew i had to let go of [ what could have been ] because i knew he already had. we were in this together and no matter what we have each other for eternity...and that's [ what matters most ]. evreything outside the temple was just worldly and the 'fill in' stuff...we did do things the right way and we had everything we needed....and that's all that mattered. nothing else.

now looking back at those memories they are more like scars, rather than open wounds. i'll always remember them but they just don't hurt like they use to.

you live and you learn. we had to go through that for a reason and we both came out better and stronger because of it....and hey, we're still together today and going stronger than ever so we must be doing something right.