38 weeks prego

I just felt the 5th or 6th earthquake in the last two hours. Sleep has gone out the window because I'm too worried about my babies. I'm just waiting and ready to jump up and grab them to stand under the door way or out in the middle of the street. So thought I'd do a quick blog update....

Just about 1 1/2 more weeks left until this baby boy gets here. I can't believe how fast this pregnancy has flown by! I've officially put myself on bed/couch rest until he gets here. This boy is just getting too heavy up in here and I'm just TOO EXHAUSTED! He definitely kicks more (and harder) than my other two did while I was pregnant with them. I'm wondering if that's a precursor to his personality outside the womb? He punches/kicks my tail bone, hip, and rib cage all at the same time. It's crazy...and super uncomfortable. 

Each pregnancy has been a different experience. I feel like with each one I have grown a lot more grateful, amazed, and just in pure awe of what my body can do. I think especially after having a miscarriage, I am now just so so grateful for a healthy body and healthy babies. Making babies...creating babies...having babies truly is a MIRACLE! It has been somewhat of a trial having this unplanned pregnancy while my second one is still so young, my husband literally has a full schedule of work and school all week long, and my mom isn't around but it's really turned into a powerful experience where I've just had to dig deep with in myself to find the strength to get through it...and learn not to complain but to [ endure well ].

This baby boy is still nameless. I have a couple names in mind but nothing for certain. I'm hoping I decide on one this week or else I'm thinking it's just going to be one of those things where I'm not going to know until I actually meet him.

So I pretty much never get ready anymore...do my hair...or wear makeup but I DID TODAY and I felt like a proud prego woman whose comfortable in her own skin -even with these extra curves. So cheers to my shameless bathroom selfie pic. 

My poor tummy is stretched to the max. I know it will never be the same. I've excepted that. But I'm excited to see how tight I can get it back to with some clean eating and working out once this guy is out. I'm so ready to just get my body back!

Mommy melt downs

Lately I feel like I've been having a lot of these....mommy meltdowns. I'm pretty sure it's mostly due to the pure exhaustion of being 38 weeks prego with two active boys (one of which is a 1 year old and teething) and the fact that I pretty much get no breaks since my husband is working crazy hours and going to school and I have no family around to help me. So my latest episode was a week ago. I'm only sharing it now because it's funny (but it wasn't at the time) and I know one day when I look back and read this I'll realize how ridiculously silly these problems are. 

So as we were winding down from the long day I was lying down on my sons' bed (on my back with eyes closed) trying to take one of my many 10 minute breaks while my boys jumped and played around me. Niko's new thing when he is on the bed is to just fall backwards and let the pillow/blankets catch his fall. Well, guess I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time because his nice big, hard head fell right back onto my nose! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge! I can't even remember the last time I cried because of such intense physical pain! I cried....then Niko cried....and then Safi boy cried because he got worried seeing me cry and told Niko, "you're not my friend because you hurt mommy." So we all just layed there and cried! First I was crying because of the pain and then my crying turned into "what am I doing?! I'm so exhausted! How am I going to handle three kids?! I'm crazy. I'm crazy! IM CRAZY!!!" After a good 5 minute cry I finally collected myself and (calmly) put my sweet Niko down in his crib for the night. I walked to the kitchen to get some ice for my already swollen nose (I thought it was broken) and asked Safi boy to grab my iPad off the charger and bring it to me. Next thing I know he's running around the corner, iPad in hand, SLIPS, and then I just hear the biggest CRACK as my iPad falls out of his hands onto the tile floor. Yup, I was already on edge and then that just tipped me right over!  I couldn't get mad at Safi boy because he was just doing me a favor so I held it all in until I got back to our bedroom where my husband was sleeping and just broke out in a LOUD UGLY CRY saying "I can't do this anymore!!!!" (While falling to the foot of the bed-I know, I know. SO DRAMATIC!) I scared the baheebeejeebees out of my husband because he jumped out of bed from a deep sleep, eyes WIDE OPEN, frantically asking me what just happened. I told him Safiboy cracked my iPad......and that, "I think Niko broke my nose." Oh my gosh, just typing that last sentence made me laugh because it sounds so silly and over dramatic but I swear -prego hormones make you do and think crazy things! Saf took a deep breath of relief and told me I almost made him pee his pants because I scared him so bad. He thought one of the kids got hurt or was in serious danger considering my crazy bawling outburst. (Nope Honey, I'm just pregnant.) He had me come lay down next to him and he just held me while I cried it out and he reassured me we'd get my iPad fixed ASAP....and that my nose wasn't broken, or crooked. (And yes, I know an iPad is just a materialistic object and I'm not much of a materialistic girl but I LOVE my iPad! It's my connection to the outside world when I get stuck inside with the kids and my best friend when I'm up in the middle of the night feeding a baby. So yes, I have somewhat of an emotional attachment to it.)

After that latest mommy meltdown I've really tried to make a conscious effort of slowing things down, enjoying the moments with my sons, and having lower expectations. What I mean by lower expectations is feeding my boys their second bowl of cereal of the day for dinner and hoping their multivitamin fills in the nutritional gap, making their bath water super soapy so all I have to let them do is "soak" in it and hopefully be magically clean (it saves me the step of bending over the tub and washing their bodies), letting the house goooooo and get all kinds of messy and dirty, and going to sleep in what we wore when we woke up that same day.

I read this article the other day that was circulating around Facebook about motherhood. (Click here if you're interested in reading it) Basically, the biggest mommy-ah-ha moment I got out of it was "I will not let satan take away my motherhood". It was a kick in my behind for me to reevaluate the way I talk to my kids, be more present everyday with them, and have far more patience. 

Being a mother is the most difficult job in the world! Seriously, your raising little human beings. Their lives' are in your hands and you could really mess up or create a very dysfunctional adult if you don't do your job right. Anyways, I'm rambling now.... If you even read this far thanks for listening to my rant/random motherly thoughts. 

Here's a couple pics of our latest moments.

Lots of jumping, wrestling, laughing, and crying on the bed.

Field trips to get fresh dinner.

More creativity.

Discovering new places to hide.

Bath time fun.

Not the prettiest but most definitely delicious pumpkin paleo pancakes for lunch. 

Lots of "take a picture of me, mama!"

Water balloons to throw at each other. 

...eating a lil bit of dirt. 

Dirty bums. 

Puppy dog eyes. 

Kicking it with my ninja and Richard Simmons. 

New month, new system.

CONFESSION: I have a chronic problem of "list making" and an irrational goal setting mind frame. In my superficial word I feel like the more goals I set...the more I'll accomplish...the happier I'll be...the more worth I will have. I know there is probably some psychological theory with a name for these kind of thoughts and behavior and the reasoning of their origin, but I'll just have to leave it "unnamed" for now and just know that this personal problem of mine exist.

Last year was totally hectic, stressful, and I just wish I had done more to make it a better year. I vowed to myself that this year was not going to be a repeat. Anyways, so each month I try to make smaller monthly goals to help me eventually accomplish the bigger ones I have set for this year. So February's goals consisted of a long list of about 11 goals (to some this may not be a lot and to others this may be overboard...it tipped towards the overboard side for me). Yesterday I looked on my February list and realized I only accomplished half of those goals, half of the second half of goals were only half way accomplished, and the last fourth never got the [ X ] next to it. (Did I loose you yet?) Everyday I would look at that list and feel a speck of motivation followed by a wave of overwhelment. "Ok, I gotta get this done today...I have to hurry and do that...how am I even going to have time to do that?...I'll just put the one off for later..." The goals I did accomplish were merely another marked "X" next to an emotionless completed deed. Basically, the goals that actually did make it to the accomplished side had minimal feeling behind them. EXAMPLE: One of my goals was to finally make some artwork for my boy's room to hang up on the wall above the crib. It was nearing the end of the month and I HAD to finish it to feel "accomplished". So I wanted to paint this canvas with a Bob Marley quote "EVERY LITTLE THING IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT". I painted the background, then quickly sketched the letters and words with a pencil, then hurriedly painted the words. Not only was my back hurting from this dang baby inside me, but I just wanted to hurry and finish it to say "I did it!", cross that project off goal list, and move on to the next thing. So without ever really stepping back to look at the painting or even read it while working along I finished it, took it to the boys room, and snapped a quick pic of it on my phone. It wasn't until I looked at the pic on my phone and thought, "wait a minute....what the....???"

(And this is what I saw)

Seriously?! I wanted to shoot myself! I swear I'm not dyslexic nor do I have any type of learning disability and my hair isn't even really blonde -it just has a few highlights. How could I make those stupid mistakes?! All that time and effort for that?! Ughhhhhhh!!!!! Because I was more focused on just getting the project done and NOT ever once stepping back to look at the entire painting....I missed major MAAAAJJOORRR mistakes that should have been caught from the get-go! I was mad at myself at first but then just started laughing at how ironic the whole situation turned out....because "every little thing" was NOT alright! By then I actually stood back to look at the bigger picture. How many times have I set out to accomplish a goal trudging through the process the entire time with my head down and eyes closed only focused on the outcome instead of enjoying the journey the whole way through? How many other things have I overlooked or mistakes have I missed? What's the point of putting all my time, energy, and effort into a project or goal if I'm not even happy while doing it?

....then I came across this lovely, inspiring YouTube video and had the hugest "AH-HA MOMENT"!

Core desires feeling! I've been doing this whole "goal thing" wrong this entire time! The core desires feelings that I THRIVE on (feelings that make me joyous...whole...fulfilled) we're lacking in my personal goals. Instead of experiencing these core desires feelings through out the entire process/journey of reaching my goals, I was setting these goals in hopes that I would feel these desires once they were accomplished. In other words, instead of setting my goals around my core desires, my core desires were being dictated by my goals. Don't get me wrong, setting and having goals is important but what's the point of them if you're not happy doing it and/or they're lacking 'feeling' behind them. "Doing" is important, but I believe "feeling good while doing" is more important. 

So this month I'm stopping the monkey-mind and throwing the long list of goals out the window and setting only one goal -to have my thoughts, feelings, and actions align with my core desire feelings. I want to feel happy, I want to be happy, I want to feel fulfilled through out the entire journey -not just at the ending. And I don't ever want to get to the 'ending' of something and realized I missed the whole point (like my silly quote painting).

Here's my new "list of goals" for the month of March.

                                  

So cheers to a new month of core desire feelings!

Ps. I'm still going to try and salvage my quote painting...or maybe just leave it for laughs?