Mommy melt downs

Lately I feel like I've been having a lot of these....mommy meltdowns. I'm pretty sure it's mostly due to the pure exhaustion of being 38 weeks prego with two active boys (one of which is a 1 year old and teething) and the fact that I pretty much get no breaks since my husband is working crazy hours and going to school and I have no family around to help me. So my latest episode was a week ago. I'm only sharing it now because it's funny (but it wasn't at the time) and I know one day when I look back and read this I'll realize how ridiculously silly these problems are. 

So as we were winding down from the long day I was lying down on my sons' bed (on my back with eyes closed) trying to take one of my many 10 minute breaks while my boys jumped and played around me. Niko's new thing when he is on the bed is to just fall backwards and let the pillow/blankets catch his fall. Well, guess I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time because his nice big, hard head fell right back onto my nose! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge! I can't even remember the last time I cried because of such intense physical pain! I cried....then Niko cried....and then Safi boy cried because he got worried seeing me cry and told Niko, "you're not my friend because you hurt mommy." So we all just layed there and cried! First I was crying because of the pain and then my crying turned into "what am I doing?! I'm so exhausted! How am I going to handle three kids?! I'm crazy. I'm crazy! IM CRAZY!!!" After a good 5 minute cry I finally collected myself and (calmly) put my sweet Niko down in his crib for the night. I walked to the kitchen to get some ice for my already swollen nose (I thought it was broken) and asked Safi boy to grab my iPad off the charger and bring it to me. Next thing I know he's running around the corner, iPad in hand, SLIPS, and then I just hear the biggest CRACK as my iPad falls out of his hands onto the tile floor. Yup, I was already on edge and then that just tipped me right over!  I couldn't get mad at Safi boy because he was just doing me a favor so I held it all in until I got back to our bedroom where my husband was sleeping and just broke out in a LOUD UGLY CRY saying "I can't do this anymore!!!!" (While falling to the foot of the bed-I know, I know. SO DRAMATIC!) I scared the baheebeejeebees out of my husband because he jumped out of bed from a deep sleep, eyes WIDE OPEN, frantically asking me what just happened. I told him Safiboy cracked my iPad......and that, "I think Niko broke my nose." Oh my gosh, just typing that last sentence made me laugh because it sounds so silly and over dramatic but I swear -prego hormones make you do and think crazy things! Saf took a deep breath of relief and told me I almost made him pee his pants because I scared him so bad. He thought one of the kids got hurt or was in serious danger considering my crazy bawling outburst. (Nope Honey, I'm just pregnant.) He had me come lay down next to him and he just held me while I cried it out and he reassured me we'd get my iPad fixed ASAP....and that my nose wasn't broken, or crooked. (And yes, I know an iPad is just a materialistic object and I'm not much of a materialistic girl but I LOVE my iPad! It's my connection to the outside world when I get stuck inside with the kids and my best friend when I'm up in the middle of the night feeding a baby. So yes, I have somewhat of an emotional attachment to it.)

After that latest mommy meltdown I've really tried to make a conscious effort of slowing things down, enjoying the moments with my sons, and having lower expectations. What I mean by lower expectations is feeding my boys their second bowl of cereal of the day for dinner and hoping their multivitamin fills in the nutritional gap, making their bath water super soapy so all I have to let them do is "soak" in it and hopefully be magically clean (it saves me the step of bending over the tub and washing their bodies), letting the house goooooo and get all kinds of messy and dirty, and going to sleep in what we wore when we woke up that same day.

I read this article the other day that was circulating around Facebook about motherhood. (Click here if you're interested in reading it) Basically, the biggest mommy-ah-ha moment I got out of it was "I will not let satan take away my motherhood". It was a kick in my behind for me to reevaluate the way I talk to my kids, be more present everyday with them, and have far more patience. 

Being a mother is the most difficult job in the world! Seriously, your raising little human beings. Their lives' are in your hands and you could really mess up or create a very dysfunctional adult if you don't do your job right. Anyways, I'm rambling now.... If you even read this far thanks for listening to my rant/random motherly thoughts. 

Here's a couple pics of our latest moments.

Lots of jumping, wrestling, laughing, and crying on the bed.

Field trips to get fresh dinner.

More creativity.

Discovering new places to hide.

Bath time fun.

Not the prettiest but most definitely delicious pumpkin paleo pancakes for lunch. 

Lots of "take a picture of me, mama!"

Water balloons to throw at each other. 

...eating a lil bit of dirt. 

Dirty bums. 

Puppy dog eyes. 

Kicking it with my ninja and Richard Simmons. 

New month, new system.

CONFESSION: I have a chronic problem of "list making" and an irrational goal setting mind frame. In my superficial word I feel like the more goals I set...the more I'll accomplish...the happier I'll be...the more worth I will have. I know there is probably some psychological theory with a name for these kind of thoughts and behavior and the reasoning of their origin, but I'll just have to leave it "unnamed" for now and just know that this personal problem of mine exist.

Last year was totally hectic, stressful, and I just wish I had done more to make it a better year. I vowed to myself that this year was not going to be a repeat. Anyways, so each month I try to make smaller monthly goals to help me eventually accomplish the bigger ones I have set for this year. So February's goals consisted of a long list of about 11 goals (to some this may not be a lot and to others this may be overboard...it tipped towards the overboard side for me). Yesterday I looked on my February list and realized I only accomplished half of those goals, half of the second half of goals were only half way accomplished, and the last fourth never got the [ X ] next to it. (Did I loose you yet?) Everyday I would look at that list and feel a speck of motivation followed by a wave of overwhelment. "Ok, I gotta get this done today...I have to hurry and do that...how am I even going to have time to do that?...I'll just put the one off for later..." The goals I did accomplish were merely another marked "X" next to an emotionless completed deed. Basically, the goals that actually did make it to the accomplished side had minimal feeling behind them. EXAMPLE: One of my goals was to finally make some artwork for my boy's room to hang up on the wall above the crib. It was nearing the end of the month and I HAD to finish it to feel "accomplished". So I wanted to paint this canvas with a Bob Marley quote "EVERY LITTLE THING IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT". I painted the background, then quickly sketched the letters and words with a pencil, then hurriedly painted the words. Not only was my back hurting from this dang baby inside me, but I just wanted to hurry and finish it to say "I did it!", cross that project off goal list, and move on to the next thing. So without ever really stepping back to look at the painting or even read it while working along I finished it, took it to the boys room, and snapped a quick pic of it on my phone. It wasn't until I looked at the pic on my phone and thought, "wait a minute....what the....???"

(And this is what I saw)

Seriously?! I wanted to shoot myself! I swear I'm not dyslexic nor do I have any type of learning disability and my hair isn't even really blonde -it just has a few highlights. How could I make those stupid mistakes?! All that time and effort for that?! Ughhhhhhh!!!!! Because I was more focused on just getting the project done and NOT ever once stepping back to look at the entire painting....I missed major MAAAAJJOORRR mistakes that should have been caught from the get-go! I was mad at myself at first but then just started laughing at how ironic the whole situation turned out....because "every little thing" was NOT alright! By then I actually stood back to look at the bigger picture. How many times have I set out to accomplish a goal trudging through the process the entire time with my head down and eyes closed only focused on the outcome instead of enjoying the journey the whole way through? How many other things have I overlooked or mistakes have I missed? What's the point of putting all my time, energy, and effort into a project or goal if I'm not even happy while doing it?

....then I came across this lovely, inspiring YouTube video and had the hugest "AH-HA MOMENT"!

Core desires feeling! I've been doing this whole "goal thing" wrong this entire time! The core desires feelings that I THRIVE on (feelings that make me joyous...whole...fulfilled) we're lacking in my personal goals. Instead of experiencing these core desires feelings through out the entire process/journey of reaching my goals, I was setting these goals in hopes that I would feel these desires once they were accomplished. In other words, instead of setting my goals around my core desires, my core desires were being dictated by my goals. Don't get me wrong, setting and having goals is important but what's the point of them if you're not happy doing it and/or they're lacking 'feeling' behind them. "Doing" is important, but I believe "feeling good while doing" is more important. 

So this month I'm stopping the monkey-mind and throwing the long list of goals out the window and setting only one goal -to have my thoughts, feelings, and actions align with my core desire feelings. I want to feel happy, I want to be happy, I want to feel fulfilled through out the entire journey -not just at the ending. And I don't ever want to get to the 'ending' of something and realized I missed the whole point (like my silly quote painting).

Here's my new "list of goals" for the month of March.

                                  

So cheers to a new month of core desire feelings!

Ps. I'm still going to try and salvage my quote painting...or maybe just leave it for laughs?

Fear of creating

It's the most re-DONK-ulous thing! ...I [ LOVE ] to create things, yet I have the [ biggest fear ] of doing so! Makes no sense, right? I have constantly suppressed my "creative urge" with excuses such as "I don't really know what I'm doing so why try" or "it's not going to be good enough or perfect enough" or "my work will never be as talented and brilliant as theirs". 

Whelp, no more of that none sense. I've been feeling creatively starved! I told myself this year will be different. 

Who cares if I don't know all the right techniques or even exactly what I'm doing -I'll make my own rules that align with what feels "best" for me. 

No more perfection. 

No more worrying about critiques or others opinions. Be vulnerable. 

No more excuses. 

Less thinking, more feeling. 

Just create and see where it takes me.

I've already started a couple projects this year and am starting to heal the creative side of me. I'll probably start sharing more of my creative journey here. 

Here's a pic of my latest work and they're going to keep coming...

                                   

33 weeks: we're in the last stretch now

Where has the time gone?! Sweats, yoga, and stretchy pants have now been hired full time and jeans have been laid off until may. In less than 2 more months and this little guy will be here. I think the more kids you have the faster each pregnancy goes. Now that my back pain has started and baby is starting to get heavy I just want it to be over but then at the same time I want time to slow down because I feel like I still need to get so much done before he gets here. I guess I better wash and fold all the 3 month onesies...because YES, somehow my babies skip the newborn/1 month sizes and come out as 3 month olds. But it's just like all the other pregnancies, you feel like you're not ready but really you're as ready as you'll ever be. 

My husband and I are excited though. Our little tribe of boys is growing. And honestly I'm a little scared too. Saf is working full time, going to school, we have a 1 yr old that doesn't even walk yet, we have little fam near by and no parents, and we're just trying to "make it" on our own. Somehow it all works out though....right? Lol

Empowering parent

Last week I took my son to run a quick errand with me. As I was picking up the few things I needed he spotted a train THAT HE JUST HAD TO HAVE. Instead of buying it for him just so I didn't have to hear him crying for it I told him if he helps me around the house I'd pay him money and if he saved up enough money I'd take him back to the store and he could buy it himself. The very next morning the first thing he said to me when he woke up was, "mommy, can I wash the dishes for you?" That was music to my ears! I put that kid to work and he loved it! He "washed" all the dishes in the sink and then I "rewashed" them. Lol But afterwards I kept my end of the deal and gave him a couple one dollar bills. He had the biggest smile on his face and it made me so happy seeing the satisfaction and pride he had for himself from earning his own money. A couple days later I took him to the store, he picked out a train, and then handed the cashier the money from his wallet. He was the happiest kid walking out of that store and I was happy to have been able to teach him that:

1)if you want something you need to work to earn it. 

2)the world does not owe you anything! you are not entitled to things you have not earned. 

3)responsibility for actions: there are consequences and rewards for your actions. 

I am by far not the perfect parent but these are the moments that are so rewarding for me -to be able to teach my children important life lessons that I hope they'll remember and practice through out their lives. I love my babies so much and want them to be truly happy. Even though their both still so young, it's never too early to prepare them for the future.

   

                                    

27 weeks

  This pregnancy is just flying by! I can't believe I'm already almost in my third trimester. I've been too busy with my other two kids that I have had little time to ever even think about this little one.  But I had a doc appointment earlier this week (I went alone) and I was finally able to slow down just a bit and think about the near future. I was grateful to hear that everything sounded good with baby. I'm going to have my hands full with 3 kids under the age of four but I'm still excited! My husband and I just lalaLOVE our boys and don't know what we'd do without them. Oh, by the way -not sure if I already mentioned it in here but we're expecting another boy. Anyways, so far so good! I'm hoping for a natural delivery this time though (no c-sections!). Only a couple more months left...

                                

2013 recap for our little fam bam

I can't believe 2013 is already over! Our 2013 was super busy and productive for Saf and I. So much happened and everything happened so fast that the year went by in a blur. We opened 2013 with a bang by welcoming our 2nd team member, Niko!

He's been such a beautiful blessing for our family. He takes after his mama and I'm proud of that!

Shortly after Niko was born we moved (not too far) and Saf started another semester of school.  Oh my stress! Moving right after having a newborn and starting a new semester of school is cuh-razy but we some how made it through!

We renewed our Disneyland passes and Safi boy has been able to show Niko around the park and take him on his favorite rides. 

Safi boy got his first taste in putting his athleticism into good use...KARATE! It was a crack up watching this little guy do his thang!

In the summer we had lots of beach days, but hopefully even more this year. 

We also had a mini fam reunion for my family and stayed in a hotel on the beach in Laguna Beach for a night.

We made a couple trips to Utah to see my family and I was able to get a couple good rides in with my Grandpa.

Of course we had many stay-at-home-lazy-silly days.

At the end of the summer we had a mini reunion with Saf's family up in Monterey. It's gorgeous up there! I even got my husband to go kayaking with us in the bay (if you know my husband than you already know he doesn't do anything water). 

Like I said -it's been a very busy year for Saf and I. At the end of the summer we found out big news.....WE'RE EXPECTING AGAIN! Talk about SURPRISE BABY! Oh well, might as well get our football team going now (we're having another boy).

In September we celebrated our 5 year anniversary (with kids and all! One day we'll get our 2nd honeymoon, right?). We stayed at the Hilton in Huntington Beach right acros the street from the beach. It was a nice close-to-home getaway.  

I ran my first 5k with my sis, Lia. One of my 2014 goals is to run a half marathon!

We ended 2013 with Saf finishing another semester at school and spending the holidays here at home with just us. Honestly, it was nice to just relax for one Christmas and not having to worry about traveling here and there all in the same day. 

2013 was very good to us and we have much to be grateful for. But this year has been quite the emotional roller coaster for me so I'm more than ready for 2014 to roll on in!