CONFESSION: I have a chronic problem of "list making" and an irrational goal setting mind frame. In my superficial word I feel like the more goals I set...the more I'll accomplish...the happier I'll be...the more worth I will have. I know there is probably some psychological theory with a name for these kind of thoughts and behavior and the reasoning of their origin, but I'll just have to leave it "unnamed" for now and just know that this personal problem of mine exist.
Last year was totally hectic, stressful, and I just wish I had done more to make it a better year. I vowed to myself that this year was not going to be a repeat. Anyways, so each month I try to make smaller monthly goals to help me eventually accomplish the bigger ones I have set for this year. So February's goals consisted of a long list of about 11 goals (to some this may not be a lot and to others this may be overboard...it tipped towards the overboard side for me). Yesterday I looked on my February list and realized I only accomplished half of those goals, half of the second half of goals were only half way accomplished, and the last fourth never got the [ X ] next to it. (Did I loose you yet?) Everyday I would look at that list and feel a speck of motivation followed by a wave of overwhelment. "Ok, I gotta get this done today...I have to hurry and do that...how am I even going to have time to do that?...I'll just put the one off for later..." The goals I did accomplish were merely another marked "X" next to an emotionless completed deed. Basically, the goals that actually did make it to the accomplished side had minimal feeling behind them. EXAMPLE: One of my goals was to finally make some artwork for my boy's room to hang up on the wall above the crib. It was nearing the end of the month and I HAD to finish it to feel "accomplished". So I wanted to paint this canvas with a Bob Marley quote "EVERY LITTLE THING IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT". I painted the background, then quickly sketched the letters and words with a pencil, then hurriedly painted the words. Not only was my back hurting from this dang baby inside me, but I just wanted to hurry and finish it to say "I did it!", cross that project off goal list, and move on to the next thing. So without ever really stepping back to look at the painting or even read it while working along I finished it, took it to the boys room, and snapped a quick pic of it on my phone. It wasn't until I looked at the pic on my phone and thought, "wait a minute....what the....???"
(And this is what I saw)
Seriously?! I wanted to shoot myself! I swear I'm not dyslexic nor do I have any type of learning disability and my hair isn't even really blonde -it just has a few highlights. How could I make those stupid mistakes?! All that time and effort for that?! Ughhhhhhh!!!!! Because I was more focused on just getting the project done and NOT ever once stepping back to look at the entire painting....I missed major MAAAAJJOORRR mistakes that should have been caught from the get-go! I was mad at myself at first but then just started laughing at how ironic the whole situation turned out....because "every little thing" was NOT alright! By then I actually stood back to look at the bigger picture. How many times have I set out to accomplish a goal trudging through the process the entire time with my head down and eyes closed only focused on the outcome instead of enjoying the journey the whole way through? How many other things have I overlooked or mistakes have I missed? What's the point of putting all my time, energy, and effort into a project or goal if I'm not even happy while doing it?
....then I came across this lovely, inspiring YouTube video and had the hugest "AH-HA MOMENT"!
Core desires feeling! I've been doing this whole "goal thing" wrong this entire time! The core desires feelings that I THRIVE on (feelings that make me joyous...whole...fulfilled) we're lacking in my personal goals. Instead of experiencing these core desires feelings through out the entire process/journey of reaching my goals, I was setting these goals in hopes that I would feel these desires once they were accomplished. In other words, instead of setting my goals around my core desires, my core desires were being dictated by my goals. Don't get me wrong, setting and having goals is important but what's the point of them if you're not happy doing it and/or they're lacking 'feeling' behind them. "Doing" is important, but I believe "feeling good while doing" is more important.
So this month I'm stopping the monkey-mind and throwing the long list of goals out the window and setting only one goal -to have my thoughts, feelings, and actions align with my core desire feelings. I want to feel happy, I want to be happy, I want to feel fulfilled through out the entire journey -not just at the ending. And I don't ever want to get to the 'ending' of something and realized I missed the whole point (like my silly quote painting).
Here's my new "list of goals" for the month of March.
So cheers to a new month of core desire feelings!
Ps. I'm still going to try and salvage my quote painting...or maybe just leave it for laughs?