Foreboding Joy

Sometimes I have these moments where I'm watching my babies sleep peacefully like little angels, or I'm blissfully laughing away with my husband and feeling so connected to him or we simply just have more than enough food on the table and all the bills paid and then I'll start to feel like everything is going TOO GOOD in my life or that I am TOO BLESSED. And then I get SCARED and I just want to shrink or not allow myself to be "too happy" or "too joyous" because i feel like at any moment something "bad" is going to happen or I'm going to loose someone I love...and I don't want it to hurt as bad so I feel like taking a few steps down from Cloud Nine will lessen my pain or expectations just in case (heaven forbid) something did happen. In other words, I try and beat life's bad events to the punch line by telling myself, "haven, don't let yourself be too happy so it will lessen the heart wrenching blow in case something bad does actually happen". I know, this sounds like THE most ridiculous thing ever...and I thought I was CRAZY and the only one who sometimes thought like this but after reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown (life changing book. READ IT!)  I learned this is actually a common "thing" called [ Foreboding Joy ] aka "vulnerability issues". 

(Excerpt from Brene Brown explaining a little more about foreboding joy)

"Calling joy “terrifying” may seem strange, but Dr. Brown explains that the fear stems from having our joy taken away. “How many of you have ever sat up and thought, ‘Wow, work’s going good, good relationship with my partner, parents seem to be doing okay. Holy crap. Something bad’s going to happen'?”...“You know what that is? [It’s] when we lose our tolerance for vulnerability. Joy becomes foreboding: 'I’m scared it’s going to be taken away."

I've always recognized that foreboding joy was something I struggled with. But in the past I would allow myself to remain in that state and NOT allow myself to be as happy. But now when I catch myself doing it (or thinking that way), instead of hanging out in that poisonous mind space I consciously tell myself to "relish in the moment...let your guard down...be happy...be joyous...love completely...be GRATEFUL...and make THE MOST out of this moment so if something "bad" does happen I will have absolutely no regrets because [ I LIVED PRESENTLY & LOVED COMPLETELY ]". I've been seeing too many tragic posts on Facebook lately that have been yet another reminder that life is too short and no one is promised tomorrow. 

I love my life. I have chosen happiness and will always continue to choose happiness. Life is so beautiful if you just let it be. So LEAN HARD into every. single. moment. of. JOY.

(My greatest joys and happiness)

Random disclaimer: I usually write these posts late at night after the kids have gone to bed so I know there's probably lots of punctuational errors due to exhaustion. Although some errors I purposefully make because this blog is more of a creative outlet of babbling thoughts -not an English paper. So sorry, NOT SORRY if I am not always grammatically correct when writing but I hope you get the point of it.