{ dream job }

[ what is your dream job and why? ]

my dream job would be to start a therapy program for abused girls and women using horses to help them heal and overcome issues that have arised within themselves due to the abuse they have experienced.

if money wasn't an issue and i had the means, i would have a huge equestrian center built with either cabins or a large house where the girls/women could stay on site. Each girl would be partnered with her own horse to ride and take care of for the duration of her stay. there are countless parallels between good horsemnship and being a balanced person yourself. and anyone who has ever been abused knows how 'unbalanced' life can feel. i'd have various workshops and classes where the girls learn how to not only ride but more importantly learn self-confidence, empowerment, healthy relationships, trust, assertiveness, how to love themselves, and personal freedom.

why? ...because horse are my passion and because in a way, this is my own life story. horses were and are one of the ways i coped and overcame my own issues and past so i would want to share that with others because i know it could do the same for them. i believe that no girl or woman should have to carry the burden of abuse. there's always a way out and you [ can ] heal wholly. waking up every morning and doing something i'm passionate about while helping others is something i could do happily and willingly every single day of my life with out even getting paid for it.

{ hardest thing }

[ what's the hardest thing you've ever experienced? ]

hmm. the hardest thing?? it would probably have to be going through our whole engagement phase right before we got married. i'm not going to bother going into detail to help save time and energy for all those [ nosy ] people out there because those who [ really ] know me already know why this time was so hard for me and what [ really ] happened.

engagements...weddings...are suppose to be the happiest times for couples. but for me it was one of the hardest things i've experienced. not saying that i didn't have a lot of good times with my husband (or then, soon-to-be-husband) but there was just a whole lotta buuuull crap and drama inbetween. lol so much that things got called off the first time around. i ended up leaving to stay in New Zealand for a while to stay with fam and figure out what i really wanted -without having to listen to people constantly talking in my ear and giving me their opinion. what ever decision i was about to make was going to be the biggest (and most important) one of my life...or should i say eternity so i wanted to make sure that whatever decision i made was going to be [ mine ]...and it was going to be the [ right ] one.

long story short -despite all the nonesense and drama, the answer always remained the same. [ HE ] was still the one for me. we focused on the eternal perspective and tied the knot on September 27, 2008. even up until our wedding day the situation was not 'ideal'. it was never going to be ideal. there was never going to be that perfect time. there was no way everyone was going to be happy. the idea of my perfect, dream wedding was thrown out the window. it came down to either [ we do it ] or [ we don't ]....and [ we did ]. on my actual wedding day the only two happy moments i remember were kneeling across the altar in the temple to be sealed for time and eternity to my eternal companion.......and that night when it was just us and we were on our way to our honeymoon. everything else inbwtween those two times of that day are literally a blur to me! there were a lot of things i hated about that day. i hated my dress. i hated the photographer. i hated walking into our reception together. i hated that i had no line. i hated that i didn't dance on my own wedding day. ok, there's a lot more things 'i hated' and if i could go back there's a lot of things i would have changed if i knew what i know now but...

[ there really is no use in looking back on the things you can't change ]

 and for a while this was something that was hard for me to deal with. every wedding we went to (after our own) i always left crying and my mind filled with thoughts like...

 "their wedding was so beautiful!"

"everything turned out perfect and her dress is just gorgeous!"

"how come everything came together for their big day so easily?"

"why couldn't we have this?"

"i wish i got to pick out bridesmaid dresses."

"we did everything the right way so how come our wedding day had to be such a disaster?!"
"blahh, blah, balahhhh"

then one night Saf and i were driving home after leaving a wedding reception. we were talking about the wedding and how beautiful it was..what we liked and didn't like..ect. silently i started to cry. i guess i was just feeling a bit sorry myself and wishing i had this or that on 'our day'. my husband saw me crying and asked what was wrong. then came the 'ugly sobs' that i was trying to hold back. lol i told him how i wished our wedding day turned out differently...how i wished we had certain things on our day...and how i didn't understand why we had to go through all of that and other couples didn't. basically, life wasn't fair. ha!

then i''ll [ NEVER ] forget my husband's response...

after listening to me cry he held my hand, turned to look at me, and said in the most calmest, reassuring voice,

"you know what babe, i had the wedding of my dreams because i married you in the temple for eternity...and that's good enough for me."

right then i knew i had to let go of [ what could have been ] because i knew he already had. we were in this together and no matter what we have each other for eternity...and that's [ what matters most ]. evreything outside the temple was just worldly and the 'fill in' stuff...we did do things the right way and we had everything we needed....and that's all that mattered. nothing else.

now looking back at those memories they are more like scars, rather than open wounds. i'll always remember them but they just don't hurt like they use to.

you live and you learn. we had to go through that for a reason and we both came out better and stronger because of it....and hey, we're still together today and going stronger than ever so we must be doing something right.

{ current happiness }

[ what are the 5 things that make you most happy right now? ]

working out. it's a hate/love relationship. everytime i finally get my booty up to do it i feel so much better after and it helps me get out of that stay-at-home mommy-slump where you start to let somethings slide, like brushing your hair everyday or actually changing out of your pajamas from the previous night before hopping into bed once again. it must just be the endorphins that get to me every time.

what my workouts usually look like...this guy always messing with his mommy. ha!

having summer just around the corner. and since i'm 'just' a stay-at-home mommy for the time being, my summer is going to be filled with nothing but water, sun, sand, and hopefully traveling with my boys. i already have our entire summer planned out. ;)

thrift store shopping. i love finding crazy deals on cute clothes and other random things. it's been my new [ high ] as of lately.

peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream...or a smoothy from jamba juice...spring rolls...manioke...or whatever else that satisfies my cravings for that particular day.

just being with my boys. my hubby always has me laughing and reminds me daily what matters most. he always has his way of putting me in check everytime i start taking things too serious. ha! and my son always melts my heart everytime he looks at me with his big, brown eyes and says "mommy"...or even when he says "be nice" whenever i start to loose my patience with him. there's never a dull moment when we're all together.

just look our son's face....he thinks the world of his daddy!

...i know i'm a day behind. i'll play catch up tomorrow.

{ sixteen again }

[ List 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self, if you could. ]

"turning '16' is over-rated. 17 and 18 will be your favorite teen-years."

"girls can be friends with guys, but a guy can never be 'just friends' with a girl. you're not ging to get this when your economics teacher fills you in on this concept but he's right about this one. you'll figure out what he meant in a couple years. so you really should try and make more ( girl ) friends than ( guy ) friends."

"when you get to college PLEASE don't mess around the first two semesters. get as much school done as you can before you get married."

"spend as much time with Grama as you can. have as many of those long convos that you guys always have as you can. hug and kiss her. go riding with her. and tell her how much you love her...because you don't have that much more time with her."

"enjoy your freedom of responsibilities NOW."

"in a couple years when you decide to throw that house party while your parents are out of town....it's going to end all bad! your older cousin and her husband are going to crash it and send everyone home...and tell your parents. so plan accordingly...or better yet not have it at all. although, you will have some good laughs about that night once you're older and way past it....but you probably won't be laughing much while you're grounded."

"you are so blessed to have all your cousins as your best friends so soak it all up and make as many memories as you can...because they won't always be so near."

"don't waste your time crying over boys. especially the one you'll have next year. he really isn't as great as you think he'll be. you're going to love your future husband more than anyone else on earth and you'll be truely happy with him (and he can kick all your ex-boyfriends arses!)"

"just be [ happy ] and don't sweat the small stuff...because you're too [ blessed ] and [ beautiful ]."

(yes, that's only 9 things...but really that's all i would want to say to my 16 year old self. i wouldn't want to ruin it for myself and spill too many secrets.)

{ parents }

[ Describe your relationship with your parents. ]

growing up our relationship wasn't the best. especially during my rebel phase. lol. since growing up though i'd like to think we've smoothed out the bumps. my beautiful mama is always there to give me advice and saves me evertime i need a little break from my monster and my daddy always comes through to help me out (and he always has the best hookups). now that i'm a parent myself, i have really grown to appreciate them so much more and understand the sacrifices they have made on mine and my siblings behalf. i'll forever be grateful for the way they've raised me and the principals they've taught because without them i wouldn't be where i'm at today and enjoy the joy i feel now if it wasn't for them.

i love my mom & dad.

{ fears }

[Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.]

-i hate going to the doctors office or inside hospitals. just the smell of them inside makes me sick. not really sure why it's a fear. probably just because it's a place where they pick and probe you, run test, make you feel uncomfortable, there's sick people everywhere, and people die there.

-i hate needles, especially getting my blood drawn. when i was younger i went to the doctors and the nurse kept on missing the vein in my arm when she was trying to draw my blood. everytime she missed the vein she kept on wiggling the needle around in my arm trying to find it and causing excrusiating pain! she did the same thing to both arms and by the time she finally found a vein both insides of my forearms where bruised blue and purple. this probably is one of my reasons why i hate the doctors and hospitals.

-waking up 25 years from now and being in the same place. not necessarily physically, but not being where i planned to be, having none of my major goals accomplished, and not getting at least a couple things checked off my bucketlist. i want to make sure i do everything i can today to ensure that i don't wake up one morning feeling like i didn't do my best and do all the i could have to reach my full potential....because who wants to feel like they failed in life?

{ #1: 20 random facts about me }

-i use to hate my hair. when i was young i didn't know what to do with my super-thick-frizzy-curly-ethnic-hair...so i chopped it off a couple inches above my shoulders! wrong move! my shorter hair did not become straighter/finer (like i thought it would because that's what all the white girls' hair at my school looked like) instead the new due turned into a real frow...and i looked like a pomeranian.

-i love anything and everything coconut flavor/scent.

-i have a phobia of going to the doctors and hospitals.

-when i'm not in a rush to get anywhere, i like to drive with my left foot up on the dashboard and my seat leaned back. ok, and i never thought this was weird until just now as i typed this out on here. lawls. i don't know why i do that?? its comfortable and i've been doing it ever since i got my licence.

-i can't wait to put my son/future kids in sports! i'm going to be one of those crazy, loud moms on the sidelines wearing the team jersey, with my face painted, and an air horn. lol ....but i'm never going to be driving around a minivan.

-countries i've been to: canada, mexico, new zealand, and tonga

-countries i want to go to: fiji, spain, greece, and australia

-it's hard for me to give up my favorite pair of jeans. once i find the perfect pair that fit just right, i wear them out til the knees wear out, there's holes in the pockets, and the crotch rips! lol

-if i'm shopping for myself, i like to shop alone only.

-i'm a mixed-mutt (german-english-maori-tongan)...and i love it because i get the best of all the worlds!

-i'm an animal lovah.

-i miss dancing with hitia o te ra. i wish i stayed, at least a little longer. guess i'm just going to have to watch all my girls dance instead.

-i have the best family.

-my favorite color is crimson.

-if i could, i'd horseback ride every single day of my life.

-i love the beach...and anything else that has to do with water.

-i'm a clean-freak but if you ask my husband he'll say i'm not.

-sports i've played: soccer, basketball, swimming, and softball. i'm pertty sure if i stuck with softball through high school i could have got a scholarship somewhere. oh well.

 -when i was about 3 or 4 i crashed my grampa's cadillac.

-my husband is my best friend.